This article has been moved here: http://www.purecommunity.org/2012/04/10/is-pornography-scriptural-grounds-for-divorce/
May 22, 2009
Is Pornography Scriptural Grounds for Divorce?
Posted by markwgaither under Divorce, Pornography, Sexual Purity, Theology | Tags: Adultery, Bible, Christian, Divorce, Marriage, Pornography, Separation, Sex Addiction, Sexual Purity, Theology |[35] Comments
May 23, 2009 at 9:21 am
Thank you for the affirmation. May I have the address to your blog so I can read some of your posts?
Thanks,
Mark
May 23, 2009 at 9:44 am
Thanks for this informative post which is including good information and ideas
May 23, 2009 at 12:00 pm
I appreciate the encouragement!
June 3, 2009 at 9:38 am
This is very informative. I especially like this teaching here:
* “You have heard . . .” (v. 21), “But I say to you . . .” (v. 22), followed by teaching on murder and resentment.
* “You have heard . . .” (v. 27), “But I say to you . . .” (v. 28), followed by teaching on adultery and lust.
* “It was said . . .” (v. 31), “But I say to you . . .” (v. 32), followed by teaching on divorce and fidelity.
* “You have heard . . .” (v. 33), “But I say to you . . .” (v. 34), followed by teaching on vows and integrity.
* “You have heard . . .” (v. 38), “But I say to you . . .” (v. 39), followed by teaching on justice and kindness.
* “You have heard . . .” (v. 43), “But I say to you . . .” (v. 44), followed by teaching on fair play and grace.
What is interesting to note is that Jesus is pointing out our thought life, especially in reference to murder and adultery. This is an area where the Pharisees were not interested in doing a clean sweep. Jesus truly brings home to mind that sin begins with our thought life, and even if not physically acted upon, it is no less sin.
I like your teaching.
God bless,
Mary
June 3, 2009 at 10:09 am
Mary, you made my day. Thanks so much for your encouragement!
Where the Pharisees wanted to lower the standard of righteousness in order to call themselves righteous, Jesus calls us to see righteousness as His Father sees it. Because we all fall woefully short, we need help. We need more than mere will-power. Thankfully, He has promised to transform our minds to think as He thinks (Rom. 12:1-2).
June 4, 2009 at 11:39 am
These are some great thoughts. Thanks for the clarifications!
June 4, 2009 at 11:55 am
Thanks for the kind words.
January 3, 2010 at 7:26 pm
I’d be interested in your thoughts on whether an addiction to child pornography qualifies as grounds for divorce? My daughter recently turned her husband in when she found he was using child pornography. It turns out he has been using it at least 6 years and started at least 3 years before he met her. She is very small and looks much younger than she is. I fear that he was attracted to her because he had wired his brain to be attracted to young girls in early puberty. She wants him to get treatment and hopes that in time their marriage can be restored. I don’t know how she could ever have a future family with him and know that her children were safe. What do you think the Biblical response is in this situation?
January 4, 2010 at 9:00 am
Wow. Just about the time you think the theology’s worked out, real life knocks a big hole in it.
What a horrendous situation you face, not only as a mother, but as a potential grandmother. I am SO sorry you even have to think about this. How unfair of sin and Satan to rob you of the normal joys of being an in-law looking forward to grandchildren.
This particular article deals with regular, run-of-the-mill pornography, which is bad enough. I didn’t address the related, yet different, issue of deviant sexual behavior that is yet potential, not actual. The issue would be more clear-cut if he had acted out physically, obviously. But what is an upright partner to do when his or her mate shows signs of disturbing sexual interests? Clearly, it is wrong to wait until someone is harmed.
I’ll be very honest, Laura. I have an immediate response, but I want to take some time to consider the issue more thoroughly, and to consult with some experts with real-life experience with sexual deviants. When I have something substantive, I’ll prepare an article for the blog, but I’ll also send a response via email.
In the meantime, until there’s any evidence of sexual activity with another person, child or adult, I highly recommend your daughter follow the tough-love process I have outlined in the article, “My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do?” insisting upon immediate phone consultation with a board-certified, Christian psychiatrist (Dr. Frank Minirth in Richardson, Texas is a good place to start) and an in-patient treatment at a facility such as Pure Life Ministries.
I am so grieved for you and your daughter right now, Laurie. I promise to give this serious thought.
Mark
March 2, 2010 at 3:51 am
Dear Mark,
Thank you very much for the blogs on this site. I have found them to be very helpful in sharpening my mind. I will encourage others who are searching for truth and practical ways in dealing with this subject to read your blogs. I look forward to read your findings regarding Laura her question.
May God bless you your mission of bringing truth.
March 2, 2010 at 8:11 am
Thank you Aukje. I appreciate the affirmation.
I have not forgotten Laura’s question. Unfortunately, I have run into a dead end. I have heard several opinions, but nothing that satisfies.
The difficult question is what to do about potential–perhaps even likely–sin, the consequences of which are unimaginably tragic. Suppose the man fully and completely repents of his viewing child pornography, receives help for his mental illness, and faithfully avoids situations involving children, demonstrating a track record of faithfulness for years. Should such a man ever have children of his own? I would never counsel Laura’s daughter to consider having children with her husband unless he has walked the path I just described. But if he does, I’m not really certain that having a family with him is a good idea.
The trouble is, I just don’t know anyone personally who has clinical or practical expertise in this area. The professionals I have in my circle of colleagues are stellar in their respective fields, but none in the realm of child pornography and pedophilia. The general consensus is that people given to child molestation cannot be “cured.” The best we can hope for is the ability to control or channel urges to avoid causing harm. But is that enough for Laura and her daughter? I don’t know that it would be for me.
I’m not giving up. But I don’t expect a satisfactory answer quickly.
March 23, 2010 at 4:02 am
[...] “Is Pornography Scriptural Grounds for Divorce?” [...]
December 22, 2010 at 2:47 pm
What I want to know, is if the husband is SO into pornography that he chooses this activity over relations with his wife; as in not performing the marital duty. And if he does, it is because he was watching pornography and wanted to use his wife to masturbate instead of his hand?
I have confronted him privately, and now in counseling….. What about that?
December 23, 2010 at 2:54 pm
As I respond, please keep in mind that my handling of this issue comes in two parts: theological and practical. Let me respond first to the theological question, and then I want to address your specific situation.
This particular article addresses the theological question, “Is viewing pornography a biblically defensible justification for divorce?” Unfortunately, some readers respond to this article as though it represents the entirety of my stand on the issue of pornography. It is not. I discuss the problem of porn extensively, dealing with many aspects of this devastating behavior, in other articles on this blog and the CovenantEyes blog, “Breaking Free.”
In this particular article, I contend that many people try to address the problem of porn from a biblical perspective by piecing together seemingly relevant passages of Scripture, but unfortunately—and unwittingly—they twist the Lord’s words to suit their noble purpose. For the theologian, that presents two problems. First, we must take the Lord’s words at face value and avoid the temptation to draw meaning from them that He didn’t intend. The fact is, pornography didn’t exist in Jesus’ day, and any illicit material that did exist was too rare and too expensive to be a widespread problem. Second, it’s not necessary to twist the Lord’s discourses on lust and divorce to address the modern problem of pornography. Other passages of Scripture provide a better, more effective response to this sin. Instead of lifting Matt. 5:27–32 and Matt. 19:9 out of their contexts and then pasting them awkwardly together, I direct people to Matt. 18:15–17.
From a theological point of view, the severity of one’s addiction doesn’t affect the Lord’s original teaching on lust as grounds for divorce. However, as I state in the article, there is a much better response, which I discuss in “My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do?” I also outline a tough-love response in my book, Redemptive Divorce.
Now, as I consider your specific difficulty, I want to affirm your response thus far and to encourage further steps. You have responded to your husband’s sin correctly. You have confronted him personally and you have confronted him with a counselor. His response to your confrontation will determine what you should do next. If he repents and commits to doing everything necessary to address his sex addiction and the deep psychological issues driving it, then you have been the Lord’s agent in his redemption! Wonderful! Well done!
If, however, your husband chooses instead to nurture, protect, defend, and justify his sin—if he refuses to commit to the hard work of surrender, repentance and reformation—then you must take a stronger stand. I detail further steps in the article I mentioned above. Worst case, the marriage may, indeed, end in divorce—not a standard divorce, but a redemptive divorce. Hopefully not.
Regardless, your husband’s behavior is not about pornography; his sin runs much deeper. He needs to accept that truth and then deal with it at face value. While you can’t change him, you can become a catalyst for his getting help for himself. Stand firm!
April 4, 2011 at 6:39 pm
I am a believer married to an unbeliever. I became a Christian after our first child was born. My husband looks at pornography often, and tries to hide it from me. We are in the middle of counseling for a myriad of problems in our marriage, and I just found out that he has been indulging in pornography once again. He is even looking at teen girls, which is revolting to me! We have 2 teens in our household, and I have absolutely no attraction to him anymore. I’m contemplating divorce, but am thinking of sticking it out until our youngest one graduates high school (3 more years). What are your thoughts?
Our problems go beyond pornography, but this is something that is a deal breaker to me…I’ve gone without my needs being met for most of our marriage, but have not indulged in seeking out another man….I’m so sad…I made a terrible choice in life. I don’t know what God wants me to do.
April 5, 2011 at 8:06 am
Karen,
I’m so sorry for the terrible pain you feel. Your marriage is so far from what you had hoped and your husband has given you little reason for hope.
I don’t know if there is hope for you marriage, but I can offer some direction that will at least allow you to reclaim dignity, call you husband to account, and take back control of your future–all in a biblical, godly, grace-filled manner.
Your husband is a sex addict. That much is clear to any reasonable person. Unfortunately, it’s not always clear to the addict himself. I recommend responding to his sin in two phases. The first is outlined in these articles on this blog:
1. My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do? (Part 1)
2. My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do? (Part 2)
Additional helpful information can be found in these articles:
3. Confronting Sexual Impurity Intelligently
4. Marital Betrayal Is Not Your Fault, but What’s Your Part?
These are things you can begin immediately. Then, in the long term, I highly recommend reading Redemptive Divorce, which equips you to respond to unrepentant, ongoing sin using an approach he cannot ignore. It is biblically sound and legally responsible. If you have a counselor, I recommend having him or her read it with you and then start making some decisions with your counselor’s advice.
I’m sorry you’re having to face this ugliness. The good news is, a better future awaits you, if you take action now and let grace guide your every move.
Stand strong and be courageous. The Lord is with you.
April 5, 2011 at 9:39 pm
I have been cultivating a deeper relationship with God by spending hours reading and studying The Word as a result my passions ans desires have changed to only want God’s will in my life. I don’t want to put my eye on anything not pleasing to God. My husband insist on watching pornagraphy while we make love even on Sunday after church. My spirit is screaming inside me that this defiles our marriage bed and it puts distance between me and my God. Once I refuse to stay in the bed and he told me going to church isn’t helping me. How do I not have grounds for divorce? He is lusting after these younge girls with perfect bodies while in bed with me that is adultry.
April 6, 2011 at 8:10 am
Hi, Lisa
What you husband is doing is deplorable. Even more so that he requires you to engage in his mind-altering sin with him. Proof-positive that pornography has warped his brain: when you object to viewing porn, he attacks the sincerity of your spiritual life! Really? He’s in a position to say that you aren’t spiritual enough!?
Lisa, it may help to read the other articles on this blog to gain a fuller understanding of my position on the matter. This particular article comes from the perspective of one who believes that marriages can rise above the destruction of sin. However, I also believe we need a completely new approach to solving the problem. In the past, the church has offered only two options when one partner remains steadfastly unrepentant of sin: endure the suffering or discard the marriage. Neither is acceptable. That’s like saying the only remedy for a headache is a guillotine.
I offer another approach. One that doesn’t tolerate sin, but seeks to redeem the sinner and restore the marriage through a carefully planned tough-love confrontation. These practical steps are outlined in “My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do?” If that fails, you may have to consider Redemptive Divorce. In the course of taking a tough-love stand against sin, the marriage may, indeed, end in divorce. If it does, experience has taught us that the healing process for the upright partner is quicker and more complete in the aftermath.
Just because Jesus didn’t support divorce in cases of lust, doesn’t mean the wounded partner should remain passive. On the contrary, I urge you to take action. Read the articles. Find a mature, Christian woman to meet with you regularly through this ordeal. Prepare yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Then, stand strong for what you know is right.
April 23, 2011 at 11:54 pm
Hi. My husband and I have been together for 9 years, and married for 2.5 years. When we first started dating, he cheated on me once. I forgave him, but it took a long time for me to be able to fully trust him. I waited until we were married before I gave myself to him sexually. Then, after we had been married for about a month, I got our cable bill, and after looking back at cable bills for the last 9 months, I realized he had spent over $1,000 in renting porn on TV, including him doing it the night before our wedding. I confronted him, and threatened divorce. He said he’d never do it again, but he has never fully stopped…he lessened the movies he bought on TV, but then I found out he was also using the internet to view them. Then he was using his phone, so both of those things have been taken away from him. He never fully came out with what he’d done. I had to ask and ask, and I’m still not sure to this day if he was completely truthful with me. Our sexual relationship has been lacking ever since we were first married because of this. I feel so betrayed, and hurt, and I have absolutely no trust in him. I have never been able to fully open up to him, and because of that, I find it very difficult to give myself to him sexually for fear that he only cares about the sex, and not about our relationship.
The last time he viewed porn was about 3 months ago. I’m not sure if he’s watched porn since then because I have no way to monitor it. We started going to a Christian counselor about 2.5 months ago. I looked up the information, and got the appointment. We seem to be communicating a lot better, and he has began to open up to me. He has been through a lot in the past few years…his only sibling’s death, and his parents divorce after that. He really closed himself off to everyone, including me, when these things happened, and he has began to open up a little since we began counseling.
But he never once took it upon himself to make these changes. I had to call and take the movie channels off of our cable, put a password on the computer, and get his phone from him. I had to hunt a counselor and make the appointment.
I am a Christian, and he is as well, but after he committed his life to God when he was a child, his family stopped going to church. Since then, he’s never really been involved, except for when I asked him to go.
He is a Christian, but is not taking the steps to grow in his relationship with God. He is a good person. I feel like I have forgiven him for what he’s done, but at the same time, he’s not making the affort to get better. Our relationship has become more of a friendship…I care for him deeply and want him to do better and give his heart and life fully to the Lord, but I don’t see him wanting to do that. Through all of this that we have been through, I have lost my attraction to him. I care for him as a friend, but not as a life partner.
I have always been the person who didn’t want to get married. Then we dated for so long, and I decided I would marry. I wanted so badly to not be the statistic, and my marriage fail. I’m finally past that idea of trying to live up to others expectations. However, I do not want others to think badly of him! As I said, I care for him so much, and believe he can improve. He is such a good person…he just can’t get control of his habit, and lacks the emotional intellect that he needs to work on this and the other issues that he has. And he hasn’t shown that he’s hit rock bottom, or that he wants to grow closer to God and grow in his relationship with Him, although he’s told me he feels so badly for what he’s done and can’t stop doing. I am just to the point of leaving. I have put forth all of the effort I can, and I’m tired. I don’t see him meeting me in the middle. I work with addicts, and feel like I would be giving up on him by leaving, but I am to my wit’s end. I now feel like my feelings for him are nothing more than friendship, and it would hurt him even more for me to stay and pretend like I am attracted to him.
April 27, 2011 at 6:55 pm
Lauren,
I can relate so well to your story, and I know the pain you are feeling. I too, find it difficult to desire my own husband after his indulgence into pornography over the years. It saddens me deeply that the only reason my husband is getting help (or not able to watch pornography) is due to MY efforts, not his. I don’t know what the answer is, but God does, and He will make His will known to you. I just wanted you to know that I grieve for you.
June 6, 2011 at 6:46 pm
My sister’s marriage is “on the rocks” due to her husband’s pornography habit and the fact that he has treated her badly for years. My questions is: Why are women responsible for “getting their husbands to stop being immoral”? If the tables were turned and the woman was the one with the pornography habit, the divorce would be instantaneous and the religious leaders would agree that the divorce was just and scriptural. When your spirituality is at risk, it’s time to go. When your children’s safety is at risk, it is time to go. It is your spouse’s own job to guard his heart and his spirituality. The woman has enough to do taking care of herself and the children. The man just needs to grow up.
June 6, 2011 at 7:44 pm
Hi, Amy. I’m very sorry to hear about the struggles your sister has endured, apparently for many years now. Living with a partner who simply will not set aside his or her sin can be worse than living alone. The constant rejection can be overwhelming.
I’m not sure where the notion of wives “getting their husbands to stop being immoral” came from. I hope you didn’t hear that message in anything I have written because I couldn’t be more opposed to that. Instead, I urge wives of porn-abusing men to take a strong stand for what is right and even suggest a specific plan of action. The purpose of “tough love” is not to make someone do something, but to encourage right behavior while drawing and maintaining firm boundaries.
I see a lot of anger between the lines of your comment, and it is justified. You are right to be angry with your brother-in-law for what he has been doing and continues to do to your sister now. Your repeated phrase, “it is time to go,” however is troubling. The day might come for the marriage to end, but there are a number of steps that can be, and should be, taken before pulling the plug on the marriage altogether. These measures don’t tolerate sin, they don’t coddle the porn-abusing husband for the sake of keeping the marriage together, and they have proven to be very effective. Moreover, they help the wife recover her self-esteem very soon, whereas divorce requires a long delay and, even then, may not offer the same opportunity to reclaim her dignity.
You rightly state, “It is your spouse’s own job to guard his heart and his spirituality. The woman has enough to do taking care of herself and the children.” The measures I outline are based on that very premise. It’s also based on my experience with divorce, which doesn’t offer the kind of relief it seems to promise. Instead, when the time comes, I advocate a redemptive divorce.
September 19, 2011 at 11:20 am
I have been married for almost 20 years and my husband and I have a child with a disability. My husband has , in my opinion, an addiction to pornography. We have been separated and gotten back together over 4 times, he has left us for two other women in the past years and I am worn out. I gave my life to the Lord 3 years ago and i thought he had too but recently found out that he has been viewing pornography once again, the pornography is beastiality and I am seriously considering divorce. Please give me some direction.
M.T.
September 19, 2011 at 6:00 pm
M.T.,
Based on the infidelity, you have clear scriptural grounds for divorce. And the porn is truly disturbing. Your husband obviously needs help to deal with some significant sexual issues.
For your own conscience, I recommend Redemptive Divorce. It will guide you through a biblically sound, legally responsible method of confronting your husband. It will also help you answer questions from friends and family who don’t understand what you’re going through. In the end, you will be able to say with a clear conscience, “I did everything possible to save my marriage, but in the end, my husband chose porn over me and the marriage.”
October 3, 2011 at 10:31 am
[...] an easy question to answer. I address the issue from a theological standpoint in the article, “Is Pornography Scriptural Grounds for Divorce?”—concluding that divorce is not the biblically sound response. So, my short answer to her [...]
April 27, 2012 at 11:56 am
What if the spouse is masturbating while viewing pornography? Furthermore, what if he or she then doesn’t want to have sexual relations with his or her spouse because he or she has already had sexual activity, not just of a mental sort but of a physical sort while lusting after whores? Lust in the heart that is acted on by masturbation seems to be porneia to me. All the more if they are looking at porn to do so. How many women know when there husband is having a virtual relationship with whores (online porn is virtual whoring) and are separated from the proper relationship with their husband, only to feel trapped, isolated and rejected?
I am a single man myself but am counseling a friend through a very difficult situation that includes this but also a strong pattern of verbal abuse and a risk of violence… I feel for the state of married women in a culture saturated with pornography. I have encouraged her to seek to be reconciled or remain unmarried (1Cor 7:11) but this makes it even more difficult–she has been repeatedly rejected sexually by her husband because he had been masturbating while looking at porn on a regular basis with her knowledge. Her marital rights are taken from her and given to virtual whores. Sorry to speak bluntly but the issue may never be truly addressed until this is addressed.
Furthermore, I know that there wasn’t pornography of this sort in the first century, so we will have to make a logical inference and see if the act of masturbation with clear lust is porneia. Furthermore, the word porneia is where the word porn comes from. It is a clear derivative. So is the act of masturbating while viewing porneia itself an act of porneia? It seems hard to escape the conclusion. Furthermore, and forgive me for saying this as it is somewhat crude, the two things a man has control over directly when he is masturbating are his eye and his hand, the two things are Lord said to cut off figuratively if they are causing us to sin. He also has control over the lust in his heart to some extent and then he acts in a certain manner… Sorry again as I realize that may be too graphic but it is something I have considered.
I appreciate any feedback and thanks for your insightful post.
June 7, 2012 at 6:02 pm
Daniel,
Thanks for the thoughtful response.
You are right to focus on the term porneia and to determine whether or not viewing porn fits the category. That’s because God has set porneia apart as a special class of sin, different from others. Not necessarily worse; after all, sin is sin. All sin, regardless of the kind, separates us from God and others, and the penalty of sin (death, Rom. 6:23) must be paid. Still, God regards porneia a unique kind of sin.
Paul wrote the believers in Corinth,
Jesus, as stated in the article, said that one may pursue a divorce only for reason of porneia. That doesn’t justify or minimize other kinds of sin; it merely acknowledges the unique effect of porneia on the one-flesh union of a husband and wife. That is to say, porneia, unlike other sins, severs this union. The union can be repaired when both partners commit to this extraordinary act of grace. (I know this from personal experience.) Nevertheless, no other sin gives one partner the moral justification to send the other away through divorce.
The question then becomes whether viewing porn qualifies as porneia as Jesus and the New Testament writers understood it. While we get our English term, pornography, from porneia, it does not necessarily qualify–at least not because of the linguistic connection. I have taken the position that viewing porn does not qualify for a couple of reasons.
First, it does not involve physical contact or a relationship with an actual person. It is lust. The sexual experience takes place in the mind just as in ancient times. Masturbation doesn’t change the sin from lust into another more serious kind of sin. In fact, I would argue that Jesus had masturbation in mind when He forbade lust because, let’s face it, lust and masturbation often go together. Masturbation, both ancient and modern, depends upon fantasy–usually involving the conjured image of a real partner. Hence the Lord’s warning, “You have heard that it was said, ‘YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matt. 5:27–28). Masturbation doesn’t suddenly change lust into actual adultery.
Viewing pornography is merely an extension–an enhancement, if you will–of the ages-old sin of lust. Lust is imaginary sex, often involving masturbation.
A second reason: viewing porn is much like other kinds of sin, in that one infraction is not reasonable grounds for divorce. One instance of physical sexual misconduct (adultery, pedophilia, beastiality, homosexuality, etc.) is reason enough to draw up the papers. We don’t divorce, however, when our spouse tells a lie. When a particular sin becomes habitual or chronic, things do indeed change. This is what you describe in paragraph one of your response. You’re not talking about viewing porn; you’re describing porn addiction. We have to treat these as distinct issues. Telling a lie is one thing; becoming a pathological liar is another. We address a single instance of lying or porn with firm confrontation. Several infractions should raise a red flag that something more serious is taking place. Chronic lying and porn addiction requires drastic action.
I spell out a tough-love response in the article now posted on PureCommunity.org, found here: http://www.purecommunity.org/2012/04/12/my-husband-is-having-an-affair-with-pornography-what-should-i-do-part-1/
You also mention other terrible sins against this woman, including violence. I wrote a book to help people in her situation. It’s called Redemptive Divorce, available on Amazon.com, Christianbook.com, etc.
Thanks again for your response.
June 15, 2012 at 7:31 pm
There are lots of issues in my marriage, pornography being one of them. When I confront him about it, he just makes better attempts to hide it. He is deceptive in many areas, not just this one.
Since we’re basing the argument that pornography isn’t grounds for divorce because it’s lust since there is no physical contact, what would you say about a man getting a lap dance at a strip club? The physical contact is there. There may not be the actual release, but a man is paying a naked or mostly naked woman to dance in his lap, so he can be sexually aroused.
I’m really just curious as to your answer about that. I’m not trying to trick you or trip up your thoughts at all. I appreciate that you’re counseling spouses to take a hard stand against this behaviour. I do believe that women are often time counseled (as I have been) that if your husband is destroying your household, your role as a submissive wife is to go down with the ship and trust that God will protect you. Yes, we should trust God, but Abigail certainly didn’t choose to go down with the ship. Sapphira did.
I do very well with the black and white issues. I struggle with the gray. Thanks for your help.
June 16, 2012 at 3:49 pm
Unfortunately, there are very few black and white issues; most real-life problems occur somewhere in the gray. The discipline of theology can offer critical help, but we must accept certain limitations.
The most important limitation to keep in mind is this: Theology can answer a specific question, but it cannot provide a cookie-cutter solution that will work for all circumstances.
The issue addressed in this article is a good example. Theology can answer the question, “Is divorce a morally permissible response to viewing pornography?” What we do with that answer requires discernment as we examine each individual circumstance. Depending on the situation, other issues might become important. For example, how chronic is the sin? Has this become an addiction? What is the person’s attitude toward his or her sin–repentant or resistant? Is the viewing of porn an isolated issue or one of several. These other factors must be considered as we determine the best response.
Rather than try to deal with hypothetical circumstances–a fruitless attempt to find a cookie-cutter solution–it’s more productive to take a hard look at what’s going on in your marriage and take into consideration all of the relevant issues.
As you have stated, I do, indeed, stand against the twisting of Scripture on the issues of marriage and submission. If someone gives you counsel and the end result is the perpetuation of sin, you can be certain it did not come from the Bible. God didn’t command women to be submissive so that husbands could have greater opportunity to destroy themselves and others through sin. The problem is, the church doesn’t have a good response to the following situation:
The response would be obvious if Spouse A had sexual intercourse with someone, or violated a child, or raped someone. Divorce. Jesus said it, I believe it, no more discussion needed. Unfortunately, many marriage issues aren’t good candidates for the cookie-cutter approach. We can MAKE the issue fit if we squint hard enough, but this approach leaves us feeling dissatisfied. Better to find a clearer biblical approach. That’s why I wrote Redemptive Divorce, to suggest how we might respond to a marriage-destroying sin that isn’t porneia, yet MUST be confronted to restore the marriage and/or protect the people affected by the sin. (http://www.amazon.com/Redemptive-Divorce-Suffering-Offending-Restoration/dp/078522856X).
It sounds like you might be helped by the information. It was written for people living in the gray.
July 23, 2012 at 9:48 am
Please help me. My husband and I have been married for 28 years.2 years ago, I discovered him using pornography for gratification instead of me. I am 57, and my husband is 58. This started when we got digital cable, & he was looking at women 35 to 40 yrs younger than me. I cannot nor do I want to try to compete with them. My husband has stopped, but for me there’s no going back. He broke our vows with a form of infidelity, & that’s a marital deal breaker for me. He wants to work it out, but he has taken everything from me, especially my self-esteem. We had a happy marriage & 4 kids, until his temptation got the best of him. We are both Christians & that was one reason I loved him so much. It should be noted that when I caught him, our youngest son was sleeping in the same room. This makes me ill. I don’t know how he could have no feelings for our once loving family. I’m trying my best to move forward, but the awful images, & horrifying thoughts running through my head are forever holding me back. I really don’t think he’ll ever do it again, and yet I have no faith or trust in him just the same. I am so conflicted, hurt, and depressed,that I see no way out, but to get out. Please help me.
July 25, 2012 at 7:51 am
Sandy,
My heart aches for the devastation you feel. The humiliation and sense of betrayal can be overwhelming when you discover your mate has been polluting his mind and your marriage bed with filth from the Internet. I am truly sorry you are going through this. Furthermore, the anger you express in this response is both justified and expected. The outrage you feels in response to the brashness of his actions–especially in proximity to your children–is also justified. What he has done is inexcusable.
Without minimizing your pain, I do want to speak into your anguish to offer some helpful perspective (hopefully) from one who has experienced marital infidelity.
While viewing pornography doesn’t meet the biblical standard required for a “justifiable divorce” as expressed by Jesus, it nonetheless causes similar wounds. I address this in an article you might find helpful: “Is Pornography the Same as Adultery? Just Ask Her!” (http://wp.me/pryqj-4Z). The anger you feel over his betrayal is normal, even healthy. But it can become unhealthy if not resolved. It can fester into resentment, bitterness, even hatred. Moreover, that anger–when it turns cancerous–won’t be limited to your husband; others will become collateral damage as your anger grows. Eventually, it will consume you from the inside out.
Another expected response is the perception you will never be able to trust your husband again. Virtually every victim of infidelity experiences this, including me. But, when you make yourself available and accept that God can truly heal your wounds AND your marriage, trust can be restored. Your marriage can be rebuilt, as long as both of you commit to the long and difficult process of restoration. That, of course, means your husband must do his part.
From what you say in this blog response, he is willing. You need the help of a competent counselor, who can direct your husband to effective treatment for his sex addiction, help you process your deep, deep emotional wounds, and guide you both through a gradual rebuilding of your marriage. I urge you to seek this help and commit yourself to forgiving (http://wp.me/pryqj-af) and giving your husband the opportunity to earn your trust again (http://wp.me/pryqj-2c).
A couple of resources you might find helpful:
Reclaiming Stolen Intimacy (http://wp.me/pryqj-7p)
Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair (http://www.amazon.com/Torn-Asunder-Recovering-Extramarital-Affair/dp/0802471358)
http://www.purecommunity.org – An online support for sex addicts and the spouses of sex addicts.
As difficult as it may seem, you CAN give your marriage an opportunity to revive and grow. I am living proof of this, and many other marriages have recovered as well. You can do this, Sandy. And, as difficult as it seems now, YOU will be much happier in the future if you allow God this opportunity.
Set aside your anger and fear just long enough to hear from God.
July 25, 2012 at 9:26 am
Thank you so much for responding to me so quickly. Your kind & thoughtful words meant a lot to me. I will read everyting that you suggested for me, & yes I do feel we should see a professional too. You mentioned that the resentment in me will grow & I fear that is what’s happening now, & it kills me to think of 28 yrs down the drain. However, I also feel justified in doing things to hurt my husband, & yet feel guilty about it too. I just don’t understand how a 58 yr old man can go from being a wonderful loving husband, & then turn into a man who lusts over 18 yr olds, while his rejected 57 yr old wife grows ever older. I look in the mirror & wonder what will he ever see in me again, now that he’s had what he must have thought was an improvement over me. Our beautiful children gave us an anniversary party not long ago, & I told my husband that I didn’t even want to go. He was foolish enough to ask me why. “Why?” I said. “Why would I want to go to something that is a sham & a lie?” I don’t think he has a clue what is happening with me, even though I know he is sorry for what he did. I don’t even want him to say he’s sorry anymore which he has taken to doing quite often. I just want him to understand all of the feelings that I’m having, & help me through them with patience & honesty from the bottom of his heart. He just wants to say he is sorry, forgive, forget & move forward. He does not understand that it is impossible for me to do that at this time. I need more than that from him & he is not giving me what I need. He’s giving me a whole lot of superficial things that I don’t need, like calling me beautiful. A few years ago I would have relished the compliment. Right now, I put my head down, say a quiet thank you, & then think to myself, “You are such a liar!” I feel like I’m living a sham & a lie now too. I feel guilty & sad but I can’t stop myself from doing it. He is not giving me what I need, I feel I deserve better, & I’m just too sad for any more words. I guess I’ll read the articles you’ve given me, & look into professional help, because this isn’t heading anywhere good. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart. God be with you.
July 25, 2012 at 10:21 am
Part of what a trained Christian counselor will do is help you understand one another more completely. I can tell you, as a man, he cannot understand your perspective because men and women think so differently–sexuality is experienced profoundly differently between the genders. Conversely, you don’t understand him either. You can’t understand how he can love you and even feel attraction for you despite his sinful, selfish choice to gratify himself with porn. Sounds crazy, but I can assure you, his love appears genuine and his apparent insensitivity comes from ignorance.
A counselor will help you learn more about each other and help you dispel the many myths Satan uses to keep people discouraged, depressed, and dysfunctional.
As strange as it sounds, this could be a marvelous opportunity for God to take your marriage to a whole new level of joy you never thought possible. Seek that help and give God the room to work in your heart. Even if things don’t go as you might hope, God ALWAYS honors our decision to trust Him. He will return your faith with immeasurable grace, one way or another.
July 25, 2012 at 11:34 am
There is one more thing that I am compelled to discuss, hopefully without being too graphic on the issue, because I think it is what is triggering much of my anger toward my husband. Since the pornography, he is rarely able to function with me. We had an enjoyable, intimate relationship until the porn intrusion, & it has rendered him impotent most of the time. I am in the medical field & have good friends in the medical field, who I am able to trust. We tried Viagra & another med to no avail, & being in the medical field, we know why they don’t help. It is not a physical problem causing the impotence, it is mental. He has crosswired his brain so the visual is the norm, & reality is not erotic enough. My husband also has been pretty honest on this subject. He is able to obtain & sustain an erection with porn, but not with me. So, not only has he been adulterous in thought, which has nearly killed me. He has also taken the most intimate part of our lives away from us. Naturally I’m going to wonder if he is attracted to me anymore. I’m trying desperately to view this from a medical point of view, but of course my feelings of being a rejected woman are going to be there as well. After studying this extensively, even young men can experience Porn ED (erectile dysfunction caused by porn use). Young men however, regain function much quicker than older men. I have read some pretty sad stories from older men who completely lost their ability to function with their wives after using porn. Apparently the older you are, the more chance you have to not regain function. I was afraid to talk about this, but I didn’t want to come across as just a bitter wife who can’t ever forgive her husband. I was afraid I was painting that picture. So you see, there is so much you can lose when you allow porn to invade your life. Satan has it all wrapped up doesn’t he.?If he can’t ruin the sanctity of marriage in one way, he can always try another. In 2 yrs, we’ve only been able to be together twice. My husband knows that it’s not a physical problem, it’s mental, & it is very difficult to overcome this. Once intimacy has become a visual, instead of the reality of being with your wife, it is hard to put your brain back to normal. This is the most painful part of all; we can’t have the intimacy of making love most of the time, & the hurt is deep.
July 25, 2012 at 1:18 pm
I wish I could help more in this area, but I simply don’t have the necessary training and tools.
Here are some resources for him:
Intensive Workshop: http://markwgaither.wordpress.com/2009/07/14/every-mans-battle-workshop/
In-patient Program: http://www.purelifeministries.org/about/about-us
Out-patient Counseling (or referral): http://www.healingforthesoul.org/
In addition to PureCommunity, you can find tons of great resources for yourself here: http://www.covenanteyes.com/category/wives-of-porn-addicts/?submit=search
This booklet will be helpful as well: http://www.covenanteyes.com/marriage-advice-my-husband-watches-porn/
As hard as this may be, affirm your commitment to your husband and express your love. (Believe it or not, the negative feelings you have right now come from a place of love.) Tell your husband how you’re feeling and about your desire to make your marriage better for both of you.
Express your belief in your husband. This will go a long way: “Honey, I have every confidence that you have what it takes to face this head-on and to lead us through this difficult time. I will learn to trust you again as I see you trust the Lord and then do what you know is right.”
Then, suggest you research these options together. Make it clear that he must do his part of the work, but that you will support his recovery.