This article has been moved here: http://www.purecommunity.org/2012/04/12/my-husband-is-having-an-affair-with-pornography-what-should-i-do-part-1/
May 26, 2009
My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do? (Part 1)
Posted by markwgaither under Marriage, Pornography, Sexual Purity | Tags: Adultery, Bible, Christian, Covenant Eyes, Divorce, Marriage, Pornography, Separation, Sex Addiction, Sexual Purity, Theology |[25] Comments
May 28, 2009 at 11:02 am
Mark:
I am wondering about the separation you describe here by Cloud and Townsend. God does not separate from us in the way most of us think of separation. He says we can never be separated from his love, not the same thing you are advocating for the non-sinning spouse here. I know for me growing up severe separation was a problem, either too extreme or too lenient.
Calling someone into account based on the convenant of marriage seems to work better for me with my separationist background. I draw boundaries that are healthy, but that have nothing to do with withdrawing love or concern (you call it “loving response to sin” which is a great theme to explore, debunking the whole (if someone sins, run!) mentality.
Any helpful thoughts along these lines?
May 29, 2009 at 9:28 am
Chris, as usual, your thoughts prompt me to dig deep. My response quickly mushroomed into a full post: God’s Tough Love.
Thanks for helping me keep it real!
June 4, 2009 at 11:46 am
Great thoughts! Thanks for modeling the conversation process for men and women. I think more couples need this sort of model to help them navigate through these sort of difficult waters.
You might like the new series of podcasts that are up on my blog: http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2009/05/26/podcast-restoring-a-marriage-broken-by-pornography-part-1/
June 4, 2009 at 11:58 am
Thanks, Luke. Often substantive conversation is in short supply for couples in trouble. Satan wants nothing more than to push struggling couples into opposite corners of the house. But when they start talking–really talking–they take his power away.
June 4, 2009 at 12:25 pm
I see you are the Internet Community Manager at Covenant Eyes (www.covenanteyes.com). I’m honored that you stopped by. I use and endorse your product enthusiastically.
I used to work for Insight for Living, which has its own in-house monitoring system. That arrangement gave me a peace of mind I barely recognized at the time. It didn’t occur to me to misuse my computer because any failure would be immediately flagged. Later, when I left the ministry to pursue freelance writing, I replaced the company computer with one of my own. Suddenly, I became aware of the comfort that accountability had provided during those years. I felt strangely exposed… and alone. Like I had stepped out of a fortress to begin a journey, all by myself, through a forest full of enemies.
Thankfully, a friend at church recommended Covenant Eyes. I installed it, and I now feel secure again. I like knowing that I have a friend to help me guard my mind. Should I experience a weak moment, my accountabilty partner will see to it that failure brings grave consequences. Having written extensively about tough-love and, more recently, about taking a no-compromise stand on pornography, failure is even less of an option than before.
All that to say, “Thank you for the excellent work you do.”
March 23, 2010 at 4:02 am
[...] “My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do?” [...]
August 15, 2010 at 12:03 am
I have been married 36 yrs and have caught my husband with various forms of porno. He has always lied, said it belonged to someone else, he forgot he had it many yrs ago when the date is current etc. I have probably found it no less than 10 times after countless promises to stop. Thousands and thousands of therapy sessions, Campus Crusade for Christ, Catholic’s Retrovaille an intense weekend to help us reconnect, most recently EMB workshop that my husband kept in close contact with other men for accoutablility for about a year. He stopped reading his bible and EMB booklet. For a while I actually was starting to believe that he had stopped. I once separated from him for 4 months. I have been ill for the last 6 yrs. My husband cannot perform without that little magic pill due to neuropathy or maybe he just wears himself out with this porno. In any case we do NOT have an intimate relationship for years. I miss it, but accepted it as age………we are not that old though. I long to be loved by a man who loves ME. I am tired of threatning, begging, shutting down, buidling walls and yes I even did the Love Dare book for 40 days to win him over. Did the electric woman too. NOTHING I DO ever changes him.I guess he still has not figured out what is done in the dark does come to the light. I am so tired and feel I can no longer stay in this hurtful, degrading relationship. I feel that my husband’s sin has hurt my children’s lives and my own of course. There were days I felt so bad I thought I wanted life to end. This time I did not even cry, though he played dumb. I just pray to God to show me if there is anything being hidden, and within 15 minutes I usually find it. This time it was 2 minutes. Sick and tired, like dealing with a teenager who says yes Mom and then does whatever he wants. I have lost all respect and love for him. The worst loss is trust! I have written letters, submerged myself in raising our 4 kids, and now while I still have some life in me I want out. Nope I don’t think I am upto this game of his for life. My sister lost her beloved best friend husband less than 2 yrs ago. My friend lost her husband 6 months ago. My dad died 5 yrs ago. All these women had wonderful, loving, trusting marriages. I always felt we were fakes. I don’t think I have enough strength to continue this road. Maybe a legal separation, but geesh the timing is always wrong as my son has a newborn and my daughter is having her 2nd child in less than 8 days. I will be going out to CA for 5 weeks while hubby is only coming 1 week. This will give me time to think…………though I am fairly certain the line I draw will be the last one in this marriage. So sad for my adult kids, but I have to say I tried and tried, even had hubby tested for ADHD which he does have, but still meds don’t stop addictions.He is also a gambler, but refuses to admit it is out of control. Deb the numb and chilled
April 9, 2011 at 9:02 pm
Husband tried to convince me that porn was ok to watch as long as we both did it together. I knew down in my heart that this wasn’t right. I destroyed porn video after porn video. He would buy more. When the “heat” from me became more intense he started “attacking” me, verbally and emotionally, esp. when I refused to be intimate with him, to the point one evening, both of us getting into a fight with some physical exchange and I calling the police. I ended up moving out as things were getting crazier with him harassing me with accusations and bringing up the past, I believe to cover his own sin. Eventually, this marriage, of almost 31 years, sadly ended in a dissolution almost 4 years ago. I have adjusted for the most part, but really miss the companionship and “helps”. I mostly feel abandoned by the family by marriage that I had come to love as most of my own family lives on the other side of the country.
Heavy Heart Lady
January 30, 2012 at 11:46 am
Dear Heavy Heart Lady,
I am a wife and mother of 3. I am hurting just like you and every way. My husband has had this “Addictation”, and I will call it that. I feel ugly, gross, not worthy. I constantlly ask myself what did I do to deserve this. I see so many couples, normal men, respecting their families. Not mine. He does when everyones around but then he hides it year after year. Sure he cries telling me he’s sorry and then he expects me to forgive him. 12 years of this. This year he really went overboard and told dating website he was divorced. I had asked him how would you like it if I did that to you? He responded go ahead. I cried and got in put from so many people. He stopped and asked me to forgive him. I did like usual but that crossed the line. I went out and got drunk 3 times from the depression of my marriage. That is out of my nature to do so. I knew then then this needed to stop. We have been in counseling for 5 months. Our counselor want us to move on and move forward. I will but I need to talk about this. I did tell him the next time he looks at porn that hes giving me the okay to go have my own fun. I was REALLY CLEAR to him that thats what hes telling me when he does that. His response was”He will divorce me then”. Wow huh! He’s so twisted that he thinks what hes doing is NOT CHEATING. It is in every way you look at it. He’s just so cought up in it that he cant see the damage and how it has destroyed our love and trust. Im so sorry that you feel alone. I do to. I will pray for you everyday that God will help you with me.
On the otherside of this, is that you feel they dont love you and its so embaressing to tell anyone. You feel pathetic and gross. So what do we do with that?
From,
Wanting to break the chain
January 30, 2012 at 3:14 pm
Dear Kara:
My heart breaks for you and everyone who must confront the sin that attempts to handicap us and leave us wounded. I too am a mother of three and have confronted my husband time and time again enforcing boundaries. He no longer lives with us and can only see the children when I am present with him. These are the consequences of his choices.
Yes, we have been betrayed, but that is NOT our identity. It is the devil who comes to steel, kill, and destroy, BUT GOD came that we may have abundant life. Life and death are set before each of us everyday, we can choose life or death. For example, I can choose to dwell on the thoughts that I am worthless and that my husband made his choices because of me or I can choose to belive what God’s word says about me. We are daughter’s of the living God, bought by the shed blood of Jesus Christ because we are worth being in relationship with. God wants us.
I challenge you as I challenge myself to set your mind on the truth of God’s word and believe what He says to be true about you. You are made in His image, you are loved, you are treasured, you are His. You and I can then step into the life God has for us and live in truth and be set free. It is, afterall, our choice how we will respond to our husband’s behavoirs and choices. Last year I heard someone say, “that the relationship that suffers the most in betryal is my relationship with God because I blame Him first.” It was true for me and it may be for you. But God is the savior from the sin not the reason for the sin. He can transform us and free us if we let Him be our everything.
I pray that you allow God to hug you as you rest in Him. May you invite God to heal your broken heart and carry you out of the pain and into hope and peace. Embrace the process of greiving and healing and please let God’s Word speak louder than all the lies the world has to say.
Rachelle
June 10, 2011 at 12:28 pm
You talk about the “porn addiction” My husband has struggled with porn and has had intermittent weakness and views porn…. This happens in my case that He as far as I know didn’t view porn for a year and a half…after this he once again was online viewing porn…He did this on two occasions this time….I have struggled with the fact that the issue of his porn and the fact tha he is working on it should have less affect then those women who have husbands who view this on a more routine basis….I wonder if their is anything out there that can help me understand what is the normal reaction for women who go through this.
Thanks
June 10, 2011 at 4:40 pm
Hi, Debbie
I’m not sure I understand your comment. You seem to be asking what a “normal” reaction would be among wives of porn abusers. If so, I wouldn’t concern myself with how other people react. Your response to the pain you feel is completely right unless you’re not honest about it. Your husband needs to see how deeply this hurts you. It’s helpful in his recovery–if, indeed, he is actively working on this issue with counseling, a recovery program, and accountability software on all his computers. He needs to see your grief and he needs to experience the consequences of his behavior. Not punishment, but honest, authentic consequences. As my dad used to say, “Stupid should hurt.” When it hurts enough, he’ll do what he must to stop.
June 12, 2011 at 2:08 pm
I guess what I want to know is…is fantasizing about pornigraphic material the same as viewing pornography
June 12, 2011 at 3:05 pm
It’s a step in the right direction–that is, away from more porn–but it’s not acceptable to stay there. The core issue driving his porn compulsion is still lurking within him; he’s merely satisfying it using a different method. But the nature of this compulsion remains the same and will not be satisfied with mere imagination for long. Compulsions are like idols; they demand to be served and they make the addict’s life miserable until he or she submits. The only escape is to overthrow the idol.
In simple, literal terms, the compulsive porn-abuser has an emotional issue that’s broken. It needs to be addressed, or he will simply trade one bad behavior for another, resulting in deeper emotional brokenness. You encourage his getting help by following the steps in the articles (Parts 1 & 2) and suggesting he do what’s necessary to get those internal issues resolved.
July 18, 2011 at 5:06 pm
My husband admitted to me this morning that he has been looking at porn. He was sorrowful, did not blame me, and he asked for my forgiveness. He says that he will not do it again and wants me to walk with him through this. I believe that his intentions are good. I am just not sure how to help. I want to, and I do forgive him. I love my husband. However, we have always had a level of roughness that he adds to our sex life. I thought we had a good sex life, at least 3 to 4 times a week. He does things that I find very uncomfortable, but I have always gone along with it, in order to please him. Now, I find out that even doing the best I can as his wife to meet his needs, he still turned to porn. I don’t know what to do to help him. How does he help himself? I know he wants to do right by God and by his family, but I don’t know that he is equipped to change. He was introduced to porn at a very young age, by his step father. He struggled with it for a long time before we were married, and until now I thought he had given it up… I was nieve to think it wasn’t still playing in his mind, even though he says he wasn’t watching it with his eyes. I believe what he told me, that he just recently in the past few months has began watching it again…all the way up until Saturday of this past week. As if this wasn’t hard enough, my husband is in full time service, serving as the pastor of our church. I have no one to turn to. I can’t talk to any of my confidants, for fear that it will get back to the church. I am a stay at home mom, and his job is our only source on income. I am so lost in my heart right now. I don’t want to be or get mad at my husband, and allow the enemy to gain a foothold in my heart. I just need some help. Please….
July 19, 2011 at 7:44 am
Hi, Stephanie
Being a pastor’s wife is a tough assignment already just because of the isolation and unrealistic expectations. This in addition just compounds the isolation and feelings of helplessness. You absolutely MUST find someone for support outside your congregation. This has to be a priority in prayer.
What your husband has done in the name of marital accountability has put you in an untenable situation. He probably didn’t do this intentionally, but he has effectively handed responsibility for his recovery off to you. He has confessed and has received an emotional boost for admitting his sin to someone, but he has involved the wrong person at the wrong time. If he’s serious about battling this issue, he must confess to someone who can offer practical help and then hold him accountable. He should have told you AFTER he had already began pursuing a solution.
In my experience, whenever someone tells you a secret–especially one involving personal sin–he or she has effectively handed you responsibility. If you suddenly feel like you are holding something and you don’t know what to do with it, hand it back. Here is how I do it: “I appreciate your taking me into your confidence and I can only imagine how hard that was for you. But I can’t be the only one who knows this information. So, I insist that you tell someone in a position to offer you practical help with this issue. I’ll leave it up to you to decide who that should be, but I want to know when you have told this other person and then I will confirm with him or her. Let’s make sure this happens by ____________ (set a date). If you haven’t taken this to an appropriate person by then, I will help you by selecting someone myself and sharing this on your behalf.”
In this case, you must ask your husband to seek practical help for his compulsion. The appropriate person can be a counselor or someone associated with a treatment program, not merely a buddy. Because this is vital to your marriage and a critical issue in his (your) ministry, you will need to discuss this with his elders if he doesn’t follow through. Give him adequate time to make the initial contact, but no more than a few days, a week at the longest. He will feel betrayed by you because he desperately wants to keep his sin a secret, but this secret sin (like all secret sins) will poison both him and you if something significant isn’t done. Despite his anger, all you have done is ask him to be responsible for himself. Presently, YOU are responsible, which is neither fair nor reasonable. This is your way of handing responsibility back, which he will resent in the short term.
Here is an article with some practical resources, you can investigate and then suggest as a starting point: “Confronting Sexual Impurity Intelligently.”
This can become a wonderful turning point in your marriage and for his ministry. But turning points are almost always difficult. Just think back about the major turning points you have experienced. All of them were hard at the time, yet became the beginning of something beautiful.
As you talk with your husband and he undoubtedly responds poorly at first, keep in mind that this is not your sin. You did not cause this. This is not your fault. So don’t accept responsibility for it. He’s theologically astute enough to know that it’s unfair for him to make you responsible or to burden you with keeping his secret when he’s not seeking help.
This is also a matter of faith for you. Your husband is not your provider; he’s merely God’s instrument of provision. The church salary is not your security; God is your security. (You know this already; I’m just encouraging you to trust in the truths you already believe.) Ask yourself what the Lord would want your husband to do and trust that He will provide for the family if your husband is obedient to Him. Then, gently but firmly insist your husband obey with the penalty of disobedience waiting for him if he doesn’t act.
Stand strong, Stephanie. You are not alone. The Lord is with you and will provide you support. It’s just a matter of praying, doing the hard thing, and acting with confident expectation He will meet your obedience with His provision.
As I press “Reply,” I go before God on your behalf.
Mark
September 27, 2011 at 2:48 pm
[...] woman recently asked a challenging question in response to my article, “My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do?”—in which I counsel a tough-love approach to sin. She asked, “What would you do if you have [...]
September 27, 2011 at 2:49 pm
[...] For any woman who is enduring the continual insult of her man’s porn habit, I posted on my blog, “My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do?” [...]
December 10, 2011 at 7:22 pm
I’m thankful for my friend who emailed your articles to me. I’m in the middle of the tough love here as I enforce a boundary that my husband placed for himself last year and then broke w/ in 3 weeks. It was 10 months before he was caught. He is emotionally abusive and addicted to pornography. I don’t think I can describe how peaceful and wonderful it is to have him out of the house these last five weeks.
This is the fifth time that I have caught him and he has shown no signs of repentance. He finally mentioned that he was sorry in response to a text that I sent him which stated, “Sitting here I am realizing that the man I married who was to be my protector escorted me to the gates of hell & welcomed that hell into my home. How can I ever trust you? The years of covert abuse & bondage you gave to me is gone & I don’t ever want to go back to that place of death & oppression.” Please pray for me. I can’t afford for his addiction to escalate any further. I need the strength and courage to walk through the next steps as the Lord guides. Words of encouragement and advice are welcome.
December 12, 2011 at 9:45 am
I’m sorry, Rachelle. You are dealing with one of the greatest losses of all: the loss of a mate. You are undoubtedly grieving the loss of cherished memories, now sullied by the ugly truth of his compulsion, as well as the loss of all the “could have beens,” a future that now will never be. I grieve with you.
After his squandering so many second chances, perhaps it is time for the next steps, redemptive divorce.
March 16, 2012 at 8:00 am
[...] having an affair with pornography, you don’t have to remain idle. You can do something. Click here to find out [...]
June 6, 2012 at 6:50 am
Dear Mark,
I have read your work and ordered your book, in the hope of equipping myself to help a friend in this all too common struggle. She has been in a Christian marriage for over a decade. During this time her partner has struggled with a porn addiction. They have sought help and counselling and he has apparently stopped viewing porn about 3 months ago. Understandably, she is not convinced. They are in separate bedrooms. Because of the porn, she is repulsed by the idea of sex. He has even commented on her not measuring up physically to pornographic images. She is broken and says she doesn’t love him at all. In fact she wants out of the marriage. She says she treats him badly as she has no respect for the man that has betrayed and hurt her. She can’t even stand to be around him.
In reading through your tough love approach I read comments sating “I love you, but …”, “When you have rejected your sin, I will be there to love and support you”. But what if she no longer feels like she loves this man or wants to be there to support him.
She has said if she catches him doing it again she is leaving and I think now she is just waiting till she catches him red handed again.
As a friend what can I do, what advise can I offer?
My heart brakes for her and whilst I want God to restore this marriage, she doesn’t like this man anymore.
Regards,
Amy
June 7, 2012 at 6:26 pm
Hi, Amy
I often tell men that women respond to marital difficulties differently. Women tend to be extraordinarily loyal and longsuffering, enduring many violations of their trust… but not forever. When they finally reach the end of their patience, they’re DONE. Completely, and often irreparably, finished with the relationship.
I tell men this, not to justify the approach, but to shock them out of complacency. Too many men take their woman’s grace for granted only to find themselves repenting too late. For men in this situation, I recommend the article “What to Do When She’s Ready to Walk Out” (http://markwgaither.wordpress.com/2009/07/25/what-to-do-when-shes-ready-to-walk-out/).
For women, the situation is more complex. Your friend is beyond DONE. Even so, the situation is not hopeless. The key is to affirm her anger without encouraging it. Help her to see that anger is justified, but that it must be processed in a healthy manner. Otherwise, it will poison her soul. Encourage her to deal with her anger for HER long term good, not for the sake of the relationship or “that good-for-nuthin’ man.”
Don’t try to reason with her or encourage forgiveness. Not yet. Her anger will misinterpret anything you say. Think of it as treating a deep gash in her soul. Stop the hemorrhaging first. Help her stop the gushing of anger before trying to dress the wound.
I HIGHLY recommend a qualified Christian counselor, preferably a woman. Sadly most pastors are poorly equipped for this work. When the time is right, I also recommend a resource created especially for women in your friend’s situation: Reclaiming Stolen Intimacy (http://www.amazon.com/Reclaiming-Stolen-Intimacy-Clay-Crosse/dp/1574944231).
December 26, 2012 at 4:50 am
Mark,
As my dad used to say, “Stupid should hurt.” When it hurts enough, he’ll do what he must to stop.
Doesn’t always work. It didn’t with mine. He preferred me moving out with our son to letting go of his addiction…
January 2, 2013 at 12:52 pm
I agree with your dad. It’s a quote I use often. Unfortunately, you’re right; it doesn’t always work. Sometimes people are so entrenched in their sin they cannot see another way.
I’m sorry your husband is lost to his sin. The pain is bad enough without having to make difficult choices such as yours.
I hope he wakes up in time to see his stupidity for what it is: a killer of men and a destroyer of families.