I recently read a fairly common perspective among men. It appeared on a secular forum in a thread titled, “Should I divorce my sex-addict husband?”

The CovenantEyes blog, “Breaking Free,” posted my response. Click here to read it.

I just finished watching The Oprah Winfrey Show, “Why Millions of Women Are Using Porn and Erotica: Lisa Ling Reports.” I’m not sure what I expected. Something more balanced, for sure. Maybe a word or two from someone like activist, Shelley Lubben, to reveal the darker side of the “adult entertainment industry.” Alas, nary a negative word.

The CovenantEyes blog, Breaking Free, posted my reaction. Click here to read.

The first volume of Swindoll’s New Testament Insights hits bookstores soon. Look for Insights on Romans in January 2010. Here is a page from the Zondervan catalog. (Click on the image for a closer look.)

Also, here is the link to download a PDF with sample pages, including the introduction:  Swindoll’s Insights on Romans (I 1-17) .

Imagine living in a world where almost everyone is twice your size. Your world exists somewhere between the knees and the belt buckle of most everyone you know. One wrong step on a crowded sidewalk could send you sprawling. Almost everything reminds you of your helplessness. Doors too big to push, counters too high to see over, and virtually everything in the world can burn you, bite you, or fall on you. Children understand better than anyone how small and helpless all of us are in this dangerous, unpredictable universe. But without proper perspective and guidance, their vulnerability can breed fear, which can in turn, trigger destructive coping mechanisms that will plague them as adults.

Many adults choose to deny what children accept without question. Compared to so vast a universe, we are but specks, lasting just a few moments in the grand sweep of eternity. And we are very fragile specks, at that. Just as children need the guidance of wise adults to gain a proper perspective of their place in the world, adults need the perspective of the One who put us here and has a plan for us in this world. Without our Creator’s perspective, these two points of view expose two sources of anxiety that, as adults, we have learned to cope with—and perhaps inappropriately.

The first is a crisis of significance. In a universe measured by eons and light-years, how can anything so small be of any importance? Should any of us die tomorrow, the stars will still burn, the planet will still turn, and very little will change on a global scale.

The second is a crisis of safety. The world is a very dangerous and unpredictable place. We feel it most as children, but learn to insulate ourselves from that fear as adults. On rare occasions, natural disasters or the death of someone close reminds us how fragile we really are. But we soon put those disquieting thoughts behind us and find distractions such as wealth, or achievement, or popularity—anything to create a sense of significance and safety.

As parents, if we are prepared with the right perspective, we can equip our children with a better way of thinking—one that faces grim facts about the world without self-delusion or the need for futile coping mechanisms. A biblical response to the crises of significance and safety points us to our need for a relationship with our almighty Provider and Protector. This can be expressed in two simple principles. Keeping both principles in mind will equip us and our children, to live victoriously while acknowledging our vulnerability.

The first principle: God created a vast and wondrous universe, but you are His delight.

The poet-king, David, composed a song about this mystery:

Staring into the vastness of space, the psalmist realized an important truth. Our universe is measured by eons and light-years so, to the God who created it all, a person standing six feet tall may as well be six millimeters. From the vantage-point of heaven, indeed, we are all mere specks, yet each one a speck the almighty Creator treasured enough to die for.

Because the Creator of all things loves each of us individually, we possess immeasurable dignity and worth. Because almighty God values you, you are significant.

The second principle: Because the all-powerful God of the universe cares for us, we need not fear anything—even death.

Gideon is often used as a positive model for putting God’s will to the test in Judges 6:36–40, but this was not an act of faith. God had called Gideon to lead an army against the Midianites, who had invaded Israel, and had already promised him victory:

But the Lord said to him, “Surely I will be with you, and you shall defeat Midian as one man.” (Judges 6:16)

Yet the timid leader doubted the promise of God. He required repeated omens and devised elaborate tests before obeying in simple faith. Gideon counted the soldiers in the Midianite army, compared that number to his own, and grew more and more fearful. But God met his fear head-on. In Judges 7:1–7, He whittled Gideon’s army down from 32,000 to a mere 300. According to verse 2, the Lord decreased the odds of victory, humanly speaking, in order to hand Gideon a divine victory.

The author of Romans states the principle this way. “If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31, niv)

For a child, the world is big and dangerous, while he or she is small and helpless. Rather than deny the truth, acknowledge that life can be difficult, even perilous. As you reassure your children that you will be faithful to provide safety and wisdom, take the opportunity to shift their perspective. Teach them to see the world as it is, but help them to remember that their God is bigger than any danger they will ever face. And because He loves them, He will care for them, in every circumstance.

In fact, we might do well to reflect those truths ourselves!

Has the Lord called you to accomplish something beyond your ability? Doesn’t seem quite fair, does it? Imagine how the disciples felt as a multitude grumbled for food and Jesus said, without a hint of sarcasm or humor, “You feed them.”

Jesus had been trying to escape the demands of ministry—if only for a short time—so He might gather strength from His Father and prepare Himself for the busy Passover celebration. But the crowds followed, so Jesus gave of Himself again. After teaching and perhaps healing for much of the day, the disciples suggested He send the people away before they grew hungry. Instead, the Master tasked His small band of apprentices to feed the followers. Phillip’s eyes scanned the sea of faces and quickly tallied the estimated food bill for five thousand men and their families. His figure merely confirmed the obvious. Feeding that many mouths would require a sum far greater than all twelve men could earn in a year. And who would have that much food to sell out there in the wilderness, anyway? Clearly, the Lord could not have been serious. Why would He ask the disciples for so much, knowing they had so little?

Somewhere in the panic, a small boy pushed through the huddle of reasoning men and tugged at Andrew’s robe. What he had to say left the disciple in a predicament: ignore the childlike hope tugging at his conscience, or speak up and look foolish. He must have appreciated the absurdity. How naïve to think that so little could make any difference at all. But no one else had anything better to say. After a few moments of awkward, confused silence, Andrew spoke, his tone softened with the hint of apology:

There is a lad here who has five barley loaves and two fish, but what are these for so many people?” (John 6:9)

The leading disciples, Philip, James, John, and Andrew’s brother, Peter, stared for a moment in disbelief. John probably suppressed a smile and kindly turned aside, as if to look out over the sea of mouths waiting to be fed. Peter, undoubtedly flush with embarrassment, glared at his brother. The others quickly dismissed the comment and continued their search for more reasonable options. But not Jesus. “Have the people sit down,” He said. The twinkle in His eye quickened something deep inside Andrew as he handed over the little boy’s lunch basket.

As the almighty Creator of the universe broke the bread and the fish into many thousands of pieces, Andrew and the other eleven students learned an important lesson about the mathematics of ministry and the value of the gifts they possess. Any reasonable person must admit that our gifts, our abilities, our provisions are no match for the challenges of life and ministry. That is, until we place them in the hands of the Master.

Don’t think you have what it takes? Is the challenge before you ridiculously out of proportion with your provision? Don’t let that keep you from presenting what you have to the Lord. He delights to transform our insufficiency into His abundance, if only we’ll set aside our calculators. The Lord has, indeed, tasked us with the impossible. With so great a need staring us in the face, how can we feel anything but hopeless? Ah, but for the simple trust of a child who didn’t know his math.

John 6 is a lesson in kingdom math. It goes like this: We do the addition, He does the multiplication, and together we miraculously divide the impossible.

I wonder how many times the disciples reflected on that remarkable day in the Galilean wilderness when a little boy’s sack lunch fed a multitude.

Now . . . you do the math.

Captain George Little served with distinction in the United States Navy.  So, after obeying the order of his Commander-in-Chief, he never expected to find himself on the wrong end of a lawsuit, liable for damages in the commission of his duty.

In 1799, war between the United States and France appeared inevitable. In preparation, Congress passed a law allowing President John Adams to seize any vessels bound for French ports. However, Adams took this power a step further, ordering the seizure of vessels heading to and from France. Captain Little, commanding the USS Boston, captured the “Flying Fish,” a Danish ship, as it arrived in St. Thomas from France. And he carried out his orders to the letter. After all, refusing to do so would certainly have him court-martialed, perhaps even executed.

So how could he have been liable for civil damages for carrying out a clear order from the President? The U.S. Supreme Court eventually ruled that “instructions cannot change the nature of the transaction, or legalize an act which, without those instructions, would have been a plain trespass.”[1] In other words, orders from a superior officer—even the Commander-in-Chief—do not release a person from his responsibility to do what is right.

Chief Justice Marshall admitted his personal conflict with this decision. He sympathized with Captain Little, who merely acted in good faith, and he worried that the ruling might undermine the integrity of the military, which depends upon the implicit obedience of its members. But, in the final analysis, much more would have been lost if he ruled in favor of the hapless skipper.

God created us to be responsible moral agents, complete with a working conscience, reasoning faculties, and the expectation of doing what is right. He gave us the freedom to make choices and the privilege of living by the consequences of those choices. So, to remove accountability would be to strip the soldier of his or her humanity. Take that away, and the depths to which a man or woman in uniform can sink are truly horrifying.

Marshall’s ruling proved wiser than anyone could have imagined. In 1945, twenty-four former Nazi soldiers stood before a war crimes tribunal in Nürnberg, Germany. They mounted the defense, Befehl ist befehl, “A command is a command,” or “I was only following orders,” which the tribunal summarily rejected as indefensible.

“Good,” you say. “How could anyone participate in something as inhuman as the Holocaust?” Let me challenge your ethics with a test. What if you were a clerk in the German army, busily typing out orders, and the command to round up Jews and dissenters crossed your desk? In a totalitarian régime, disobedience will almost certainly result in severe punishment, if not death. And for what? You will not likely be remembered for your stand. Another nameless, faceless clerk will be pressed into service after your removal anyway. What would be gained? Certainly the satisfaction that you did what was right. But that will likely come at the expense of great suffering.

How about a situation not so clear-cut. You have been asked by the highest ranking member of your employer’s office—the person with the most power and least accountability—to do something your conscience clearly tells you is wrong. What do you do? No lives are at stake. It’s unlikely anything tragically negative will result. Besides, what would be gained if you reject the immoral order? When you are fired, would the satisfaction of doing what is right ease the pain of suffering? Or will you shrug off your responsibility with the words, “A command is a command; I’m only following orders”?

How much is your integrity worth? What are you willing to suffer for doing what is right? And how big must the issue become before you take a stand?

The primary purpose for confronting a wayward spouse with his or her sin is to bring about genuine repentance (Matthew 18:15). Only then can a couple can begin the process of rebuilding trust and restoring intimacy. Unfortunately, the forgiving spouse may actually discourage repentance by becoming too eager for reconciliation. At the first sign of regret or remorse, he or she leaps to the rescue with forgiveness, only to suffer the pain of a repeat offense.

Feelings of regret and remorse are good and necessary; they often prompt genuine repentance. But feelings without actions do not produce the kind of change necessary for restoring broken relationships. While a sinning spouse wrestles with his or her conscience, the upright spouse must neither press harder for a decision nor relieve any tension created by the confrontation. Watching a loved one struggle with emotional pain can be heartrending; however, that is the time to remain steadfast, even if it feels like pouring sand into an open wound.

On the other hand, many wayward spouses respond to confrontation with hostility and then pursue their sinful paths with even greater determination. This, too, might weaken an upright spouse’s resolve, causing him or her to wonder, What’s the point of godly confrontation if nothing I do will change anything? A letter[1] from “Stephen” gave me an opportunity to clarify the purpose of godly confrontation and the need to stand fast, regardless of the sinning partner’s emotional response.

Dear Mark,

I just read your book in a day! Thank you so much for the wonderful insight and direction. After reading your book and Love Must Be Tough, I had a new game plan. 

I found out several months ago that my wife was involved in an adulterous relationship. We have been separated for a few months now. She has continued to follow her path of unrepentant sin. I was planning on talking to a lawyer today. Last night she wanted to meet up and she has decided that she wants a divorce. She wants to do a mutual divorce and start splitting things up. She wants to do it as easy as possible. I spoke the truth of the consequences and how God is offering her an option of redemption. By the Lord’s grace and mercy, I have been able to be full of love, mercy and grace toward her. His amazing love, comfort and strength is so awesome!

My question is, should I proceed with filing for a faulted divorce and bring more accountability for her actions, even though she already wants a divorce. I feel like I would be countering her desires with a stronger fight. I didn’t feel like conceding to her selfish desires of “both of us moving forward” would be helpful.

If you have any advice, I would appreciate it. Thank you for your commitment to helping brothers and sisters in Christ in this awful situation.

In Christ,

Stephen

The purpose for godly confrontation is neither to control nor coerce someone. Therefore, nothing should change just because the sinning partner experiences negative emotions. Godly confrontation merely establishes boundaries, declaring sinful behavior unacceptable and then declaring how we will behave in response to sin. At that point, we grant others the freedom to choose right or wrong for themselves.

Dear Stephen,

I am gratified to hear the book is helpful. And I’m especially glad you have a clear vision of what should be done. Let me encourage you to stay the course. Here are a few reasons.

First, while the desired outcome of redemptive divorce is complete restoration of the marriage, our primary purpose is to stand on principle, even if what we hope to achieve proves unlikely. Our choosing to do what is right gives the Lord greater opportunity to do good on our behalf, which He wants to do. But we must leave “success” in the Lord’s hands.

Second, the reason for insisting upon a fault divorce is not to be unkind, but to keep the focus on the primary issue at hand: her sin. People who are struggling with unrepentant sin will do almost anything do divert attention away from their wrongdoing. Despite what you see on the outside, she is wrestling with her conscience. Continue to love her truly by keeping her sin from being covered over by other issues. Remain calm, steadfast, and gentle in your demeanor, but continue to call her behavior what it is.

This is genuine love. Her sin will haunt her for the rest of her life. And if she ever does repent, she will have years of regret to overcome. Only she can choose her path, but your continuing to state the obvious truth will give her every opportunity to act in her own best interest.

Third, don’t forget the other document, the separation agreement. Very often, someone chooses adultery because he or she feels there is no other means of addressing legitimate complaints about the marriage. In the separation agreement, you are saying, in effect, “I realize that I have failed in some way; however, your present response is unacceptable. If you choose to repent and commit to the marriage, we can address my issues in a more constructive manner, such as individual counseling.”

I do not recommend going on record, in a sworn statement before the court, declaring that you mutually agreed to the divorce when, in fact, the divorce was a result of her unwillingness to repent of her adulterous relationship and her failure commit to the marriage. You would be, in effect, stating something false.

Instead, I recommend explaining your reasoning to your wayward wife simply and kindly. You might also point out that if she doesn’t see anything wrong with what she is doing, then she should have no problem signing a legal document stating the actual reason for the divorce: adultery and abandonment. In “no-fault” states, the existence of fault doesn’t affect the division of property, so there should be no reason for her to object on financial grounds. Her sole reason for objecting to the fault language must be her reluctance to call her actions what they are: sin.

At the confrontation, her response will be neither amicable nor cooperative. She will undoubtedly distract you with accusations; however, I have found that silence is the best response. Keep the focus on the reasonableness of your request; you simply want the divorce document to reflect the truth instead of a falsehood. But more than that, you want her to do what her conscience has already told her to do. She must drop the adulterous affair and commit to starting over with you.

Stephen, I can tell you are a man who wants to do what is right and that your marriage is your first priority after pleasing the Lord. The principles of godly confrontation are still your best course of action. Therefore, I recommend following the process all the way to the end, along with the help of a counselor, an attorney, and a trusted accountability partner. In the end, the marriage may indeed be “over.” But having done everything humanly possible, steadfastly following the principles of Scripture, you will be able to face the future with a completely clear conscience. And there’s no better gift you can give yourself, or your wayward wife.

I will pray for you both.

Mark

By the way, Stephen already knew this from the book. He simply needed encouragement to remain steadfast, which he did to the very end.

The following is an excerpt from Neil Anderson’s excellent work, The Bondage Breaker. While I differ with him in a few respects, particularly his recommended response to personified evil (Satan and demons), his explanation of forgiveness is superb. I only wish I could have written it as well. Because he has explained forgiveness so well and described the practical steps with such clarity, and because this section of his book has been so instrumental in my own healing and growth, I have excerpted it  below.

Forgiveness is a Condition for Our Own Freedom

by Neil T. Anderson

from The Bondage Breaker: Overcoming Negative Thoughts, Irrational Feelings, Habitual Sins

Most of the ground that Satan gains in the lives of Christians is due to unforgiveness.  We are warned to forgive others so that Satan cannot take advantage of us (2 Corinthians 2,. 10, 11).  God requires us to forgive others from our hearts or He will turn us over to the tormentors (Matthew 18:34,35).  Why is forgiveness so critical to our freedom?  Because of the cross.  God didn’t give us what we deserve; He gave us what we needed according to His mercy.  We are to be merciful just as our heavenly Father is merciful (Luke 6:36).  We are to forgive as we have been forgiven (Ephesians 4:31,32).

Forgiveness is not forgetting.  People who try to forget find that they cannot.  God says He will “remember no more” our sins (Hebrews 10: 17), but God, being omniscient, cannot forget.  “Remember no more” means that God will never use the past against us (Psalm 103:12).  Forgetting may be a result of forgiveness, but it is never the means of forgiveness.  When we bring up the past against others, we haven’t forgiven them.

Forgiveness is a choice, a crisis of the will.  Since God requires us to forgive, it is something we can do. (He would never require us to do something we cannot do.) But forgiveness is difficult for us because it pulls against our concept of justice.  We want revenge for offenses suffered.  But we are told never to take our own revenge (Romans 12:19).  “Why should I let them off the hook?” we protest.  You let them off your hook, but they are never off God’s hook.  He will deal with them fairly-something we cannot do.

If you don’t let offenders off your hook, you are hooked to them and the past, and that just means continued pain for you.  Stop the pain; let it go.  You don’t forgive someone merely for their sake; you do it for your sake so you can be free.  Your need to forgive isn’t an issue between you and the offender; it’s between you and God.

Forgiveness is agreeing to live with the consequences of another person’s sin.  Forgiveness is costly; we pay the price of the evil we forgive.  Yet you’re going to live with those consequences whether you want to or not; your only choice is whether you will do so in the bitterness of unforgiveness or the freedom of forgiveness.  That’s how Jesus forgave you-He took the consequences of your sin upon Himself.  All true forgiveness is substitutional, because no one really forgives without bearing the penalty of the other person’s sin.

Why then do we forgive?  Because Christ forgave us. God the Father “made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him” (2 Corinthians 5:21).  Where is the justice?  The cross makes forgiveness legally and morally right: “For the death that He died, He died to sin, once for all” (Romans 6: 10).

How do you forgive from the heart?  First you acknowledge the hurt and the hate.  If your forgiveness doesn’t visit the emotional core of your past, it will be incomplete.  This is the great evangelical cover-up.  Christians feel the pain of interpersonal offenses, but we won’t acknowledge it.  Let God bring the pain to the surface so He can deal with it.  This is where the healing takes place.  Ask God to bring to your mind those you need to forgive as you read the following prayer aloud:

Dear heavenly Father, I thank You for the riches of Your kindness, forbearance, and patience, knowing that Your kindness has led me to repentance (Romans 2:4). I confess that I have not extended that same patience and kindness toward others who have offended me, but instead I have harbored bitterness and resentment.  I pray that during this time of self-examination You would bring to mind only those people that I have not forgiven in order that I may do so (Matthew 18:35). I also pray that if I have offended others You would bring to mind only those people from whom I need to seek forgiveness and the extent to which I need to seek it (Matthew 5:23,24). I ask this in the precious name of Jesus.  Amen.

As you pray, be prepared to have names come to your mind that have been blocked from your memory.  In 95 percent of the people I work with in this process, the first two names which come to mind are their parents.  The other often overlooked name on the list is self.  Why might you need to forgive yourself?  Because when you discovered that you can’t blame God for your problems, you blamed yourself.

Make a list of all those who have offended you.  Face the cross; it makes forgiveness legally and morally right.  Since God has forgiven them, you can too.  Decide that you will bear the burden of their offenses by not using the information about their offenses against them in the future.  This doesn’t mean that you tolerate their sin.  Tolerating sin makes a mockery of forgiveness.  You must always take a stand against sin.

Don’t wait to forgive until you feel like forgiving; you will never get there.  Feelings take time to heal after the choice to forgive is made and Satan has lost his place (Ephesians 4:26,27).

For each person on your list, say: “Lord, I forgive (name) for (offenses).” Don’t say, “Lord, please help me to forgive,” because He is already helping you.  Don’t say, “Lord, I want to forgive,” because you are bypassing the hard-core choice to forgive, which is your own personal responsibility.  Keep praying about each individual until you are sure that all the remembered pain has been dealt with.  As you pray, God may bring to mind offending people and experiences you have totally forgotten.  Let Him do it even if it is painful for you.  He wants you to be free.  I have seen many people forgive unspeakable atrocities with a great deal of emotion, but the freedom which resulted was tremendous.  Don’t try to rationalize or explain the offender’s behavior.  Forgiveness deals with your pain, not another’s behavior.  Remember: Positive feelings will follow in time; freeing yourself from the past is the critical issue.[1]

Once the enemy in “every man’s battle” has breached the walls of his home, the destruction can be horrific. Long after the dust and smoke have cleared, there stands not one, but two victims of war—one guilty of dereliction, the other bewildered, hopeless, even traumatized. Assuming the family survives the initial assault, a long process of rebuilding remains. Many resources exist to help the fallen soldier recover and rearm, but what of his mate?

Renee and Clay Crosse suffered the destruction of pornography and have bravely opened their lives to help women begin the process of healing and restoration in a workbook titled, Reclaiming Stolen Intimacy: When Your Marriage Is Invaded by Pornography. This powerfully practical volume of only 128 pages helps guide women through their own recovery like a strong, nurturing friend. It takes wounded wives by the shoulders to assure them that while the process will be difficult, they have been promised divine help. And because it is specifically designed for a small group study, women can be assured they need not persevere alone.

Recovery

The article, My Husband Is Having An Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do?, calls for a tough love confrontation followed by tough action on the part of the wounded wife. Very tough action. The purpose for this is not retaliation, but to bring the wayward partner to the point of genuine repentance. Reclaiming Stolen Intimacy generally assumes each reader’s husband has reached this decision and has begun his own recovery; therefore, the study is best used in this context. Women whose husbands continue to sin, remorsefully or not, will find some relief, but may find it more frustrating than helpful. The reason should be obvious. One cannot hope to heal a wound that is continually reopened. That one caveat aside, however, Reclaiming Stolen Intimacy remains the best recovery aid for women I have encountered.

Renee and Clay wisely begin the healing process by meeting women where they are, titling the first four of eight session chapters after the self-talk they undoubtedly hear:

Session 1:  This Can’t Be Happening!

Session 2:  Is This My Fault?

Session 3:  How Can I Ever Trust Him Again?

Session 4:  I’m Done with This

Each chapter identifies and empathizes with a specific struggle women frequently encounter, and then guides them along a well-marked path from helplessness to determination. The signposts read, “Discovering the Truth,” “Embracing the Truth,” “Connecting,” and “Taking It Home.” By the third week, members of the group should begin to recognize a pattern, which will hopefully equip them to overcome any internal struggle. After identifying the particular issue, “Discovering the Truth” presents relevant Scripture and timeless principles for the group to consider. “Embracing the Truth” then challenges the women to examine their attitudes and behaviors in light of divine truth. “Connecting” encourages them to discuss their resistance to change and the difficulties they might encounter when applying biblical truth. Finally, “Taking It Home” offers practical suggestions on how to implement a new pattern of behavior based on the truth the group has discovered and embraced. Equally important, the women are given relevant passages to ponder throughout the week. Then, each session begins with reflection on the prior week and mutual accountability.

The fifth session turns the study in a decidedly hopeful direction with session titles that seem to say, Enough of this sorrow; it’s time to make life better!

Session 5:  Rising from Ground Zero

Session 6:  Addressing the Deeper Issues

Session 7:  My End of the Bargain

Session 8:  How Can I Make This Work?

While the first half meets women where they are, the second turns their attention to where they must go. The focus shifts from inner experience to external reality, very much in concert with the healing process. Once a wounded soul has given sufficient time to reflecting on her own sorrow, she must rise from the ash heap, wash herself, and then set her house in order.

Each session offers uncommonly sensitive, realistic, wise counsel on how to rebuild intimacy and trust, and how to constructively join her husband in rebuilding their home. While acknowledging his duty to lead, Renee and Clay stress her essential role in recovering their stolen intimacy. Women will undoubtedly find this part of the journey remarkably empowering.

Reconstruction

Men and women suffer the destruction of pornography very differently, so it should be no surprise their recovery will take different paths—parallel in many ways, and leading the same destination, yet different nonetheless. Men have a wide variety of resources available to help them recover, heal, and reinvest in their marriage. Now, women no longer have to feel ignored or neglected while their husband receives caring attention. Renee and Clay Crosse have crafted a remarkably effective resource to help the bewildered, traumatized wives of fallen heroes raise a brand new house from the rubble of the old, perhaps one even more beautiful and secure than before.

Read what others have said on the Covenant Eyes blog, Breaking Free.

200 acres of secluded bliss. No place on earth felt more like home to me than the Dimple-C ranch. Whenever I could find the time, I made the journey to Duffau, Texas just to hear the brambles scuff across my boots and the grasshoppers flutter as I wandered its chalky, limestone hills. The cicadas buzzing in the August air always made it seem hotter to me, but I didn’t mind. This was the real Texas, and the Dimple-C always welcomed me like a mother’s embrace.

Of course, the ranch was nothing without my Uncle R.B.. Some of my fondest memories come from the days I spent playing outdoors with old “Red Beans” and his fishing buddy, Bud Stringer. (I kid you not; his actual name.) Several times each summer, from the time I was 12 ‘til at least 20, the old coots loaded up the farm truck and drove me through thicket and brush to a tributary known only to Bud. In seventy years, he never lived more than 10 miles from the spot of his birth, and no place existed within a hundred he didn’t know intimately.

We’d seine for minnows, then wade down some river time forgot in old jeans and cheap tennis shoes with a minnow bucket tied to one belt loop and a stringer of fish tugging at the other. At times we’d be up to our armpits, casting and reeling, trying slip our hooks under the opposite bank where the big ones hide. The water was quiet and cool, but R.B. and Bud made no effort to keep quiet. They didn’t come for the fish. The river banks echoed the sounds of casting, reeling, laughing, and two old men shamelessly spinning lies. They picked on me mercilessly, which I loved, of course. Bud insisted that I needed an Indian name and called me “Ol’ Mud-in-the-Face” well into my thirties.

For all the pranking and goofing off, I learned a great deal about life from R.B. and Bud. These men had seen the Great Depression, lived through WWII and the Korean War, and lost sons in Vietnam. Cancer claimed loved ones and grief nearly took them as well. They wore tanned, weathered faces, creased with lines, yet not from anger or worry. Happy lines radiated from the corners of their eyes, and curved around the corners of their mouths. Tears and hardship punctuated their optimism, but their smiles always returned. These master theologians knew little more than the essentials: God loved them, cared for them, sent His Son to die for them, and eagerly waited for them to join Him. But they lived these basic truths to the hilt and rested in the surety of His gracious acceptance. That, I believe, gave them the strength to stand taller than their difficulties.

I confess that, at times, I wonder if God still likes me. Oh, I know He loves me. He has to; He’s God. But when circumstances threaten to crush me like a bug, I wonder if He cares about how much I’m hurting, if He hears my cries. I confess, to my shame, that I wonder if I  continue to struggle against adversity because He really doesn’t want to rescue me.

The problem is, I know too much. Too much philosophy. Too much theology. For all my schoolin’, I would do better to learn the less-is-more approach to life that worked so well for R.B. and Bud. Of course, all their sorrows lie behind them now. Their simple trust has been replaced by perfect knowledge of God and His ways. And someday, I will know what they knew all along. Despite the distorted perspective of adversity, God loves us, cares for us, sent His Son to die for us, and eagerly waits for us to join Him. Which is to say, He’s definitely for us, not against us.

Man, are they gonna rib me about this.